You know what...? After a little DivX session with Ferris Bueller (
"Ferris Bueller's Day Off"), I think I've figured out my worst flaw: fatal fear.
You know, it's a great movie. But, like all great movies, it leaves an impression that won't really last. And the difference from bad movies is that they don't leave one at all, except maybe for the bitter feeling and the 'I just lost X hours watching this crap' sort of aftertaste (for all affected: a mint helps, I would know). But since it won't last – at least not forever – what about the values the movie tries to pass? The ideas? Well...
...these don't last too long as well. I guess it all boils down to experience. You see, I've been trying to figure my flaw out for a few years now. There was once a time when I was free, I did what I wanted – and got away with it. And between then and now, something has changed. Maybe I matured? Doubtful. Gained some responsibility or insight into the world? No, not really (although some people I know might think otherwise).
I've "picked up" fear, somewhere along the way. The fear that when I don't do something, it's a disaster. Fear that if I won't make it on time (studying for an exam, for example), I'll get decapitated. The fear that I'll pick up a girl at the party, and I'll bore her to death. Or the fatally fatal fear of rejection, but based on what?
What the hell?! I wasn't always like this! When things were different... yeah, I was into bravado sometimes, but I DID get away with it. I did stupid things, and weaseled myself out of the consequences. I'm not saying that's the right thing to do, but hey – do YOU want to take ANY heat, at all? I didn't.
So what happened? I was liked (somewhat), and girls did flock – even though I'm not handsome. I'm not even really pretty. Hell, I'm not pretty at all (and all the guys that are, are either gay, pop stars, porn stars, or sickly twisted ;P). But there was always something... crazy about me; something unpredictible. Now – I'm not sure of ANYTHING, even my programming skills have gone down a notch.
You see, the point about 'back then' is that I took unneeded risks. I realize that it was a mistake, yes, and I did get my fair share of heat whether I liked it or not. But now – I'm taking no risks at all. And that – let me tell Ya – is MUCH, MUCH WORSE. Back in the day – I did my share of LOSING. But I also WON, many times. How is it that NOW I can't muster up the courage to even approach a chance, much less take it? I mean, I don't want to be a bum or anything, I don't want to lose it all by placing bets all over. But I don't want to be a COWARD...
...which is what – I think – I am. Somebody help me, I'm afraid of hitting the 'SEND' key.
The point of this post. Well, I started off with impressions and important lessons and movies and such. Well, the movie I mentioned above allowed me to see that. But for how long, before stress and fear take over again? How much do I have to try and correct myself, before this 'timer' runs out and I lose that chance for who knows how long, once again? I remember – remembering something like this, so this is NOT the first time it happens. I've been here before. I must've told myself that I'll fix it, first thing in the morning. But guess what, the morning started off just as any other, I think. And all was gone, all hope lost. Until today.
Hm... where does this leave me? There are things I'd like to say, but really can't – because of fear that someone would read it, exactly the certain someone I wouldn't want to read exactly that. At least this fear is well founded. Or is it...
But ooohhhh nooo, the problem is much worse still. You see, I'm WELL beyond feeling fear. I'm paralyzed by it, I can't make a move even if I want to, even if I think I could win (and that thought does cross my mind from time to time). It's like I've become... incapable of choice. Deprived of this, I choose not to choose... or, rather, I hold myself back, and the chance passes away. At such points explanations like "it wasn't meant for you" or "it was better that way" pop up, and I'm clean, right? RIGHT?
WRONG. A few smart people – independently of each other – remarked to me that there is such a thing as overthinking a situation... A quote I like to abuse from time to time. Hah, why am I such a hypocrite? What, am I overthinking situations for other people, so they don't have to? I've basically done all the work for them, just come up to me and ask for it – I've loads and loads of it. But in the end, You will choose. Wisely, or poorly – who cares (yeah, I'm sure You do, but hey, we're not twins)? But You will CHOOSE. And I won't.
Some people would say (truthfully) that abstaining from choice IS choice. Yes, I agree – when chosen wisely and selectively. But abstaining from choice on a daily basis, even in the smallest things... relying on others to just drag me along... I am, de facto, depriving myself of my freedom of choice! (is there a cure for this?)
Still, it's a chicken–and–egg problem: I won't choose until it is proven that my choices are right. But what choices? And the problem resides still deeper. You see – the fact of me being proven wrong is NOT A BAD THING (most of the time). Why? Becuase each time someone proves me wrong, I get that much closer to the truth, to getting it right! We learn from our mistakes, that's how it works.
But – each time I do make a mistake, I crucify myself. You know, bring up that cross, get the nails – sort of stuff. Mentally, in my head, I hang. (and if I think it was really bad, I bring a torch with me; it's a one–person gig) I take out all of my past mistakes of this kind from all those neat drawers and lay them out on the ground in front of me. I add the latest one, set them up in a pattern so that I can clearly see it from above. And then I die. It's easy, I've done this thousands of times...
Dying isn't as easy as it seems, but each time I kick myself in the ass and fall on my face, I get a little smarter – a little wiser. I start seeing things I never thought about years back. But – yes, I do spend more time lost in thought, perhaps planning or analyzing – that's why I'm supposedly good with people, I've "been there" and made the mistakes we all make. But I am stuck deeply in the past, and I can't see the future. What's worse, I rarely see the "now", "today", even though I almost religiously preach to others that life is a ride, and they should stop from time to time to smell the air and watch the clouds. It's a ride, a journey – however you put it.
You embark on a journey to reach your destination. But you know, wise men say that sometimes – the journey in itself IS the destination, or it should be. We want to get to the forest so badly and so quickly that we miss the trees.
I cannot be perfect, and I don't know anyone who can be. I do know a lot of people that are smarter (and, in some cases – WAAAY smarter) than I am. I know people who're much more intelligent than I am (although my ego's hurting when I write these words). They know who they are.
But I can stop trying to cover my ass using my own imperfection as a shield, right?
So, for starters, I've decided to stop crucifying myself. Enough – is enough. I cannot turn back the clock to fix the mistakes I've once made. But I can let them rest in peace, and move on – perhaps towards something better (and certainly towards more peace of my own). And I'm sure the journey will be worth it, if I look out of my window.
Burning stakes stays, though. I'm not sure I'm ready to let THAT go – just yet.
O mnie
